Update from New Orleans - September 5, 2007

[Tim Roust]

I have spent the summer here in New Orleans trying to build the foundation for a new home for myself. Now summer is over, and I'm getting ready to leave town for two weeks to see my family in Boston. I feel very heavy hearted right now...it is a struggle to write, but I know it is necessary.

I have been reading Thich Naht Hahn books every day still. He describes engaged buddhism not as a religion, but as a set of tools. He says that there is no point in owning a tool if you are not intending to ever use it. "Faith implies practice" he says. He warns against finding a comfortable resting place. You need to be constantly vigilant; constantly on alert; constantly engaged.

So, over the last few months I have been drawn in more and more by Thich Nhat Hanh's writings. These days, they are one of the few things that I can count on to bring me faith and courage and clear-mindedness. I am learning the practice of stopping, and calming, and of being mindful of my anger, my insecurity, my jealousy, my fear, my craving.... I feel myself becoming a steadier person.

"Breathing in, I see myself as a mountain. Breathing out, I feel solid"

This is what I am repeating to myself as I write this...in hopes of steadying my anxious mind. My heart feels open; over-exposed; ready to burst. I feel healthier than I have at any other period in my life, because a few years ago I made a very conscious decision to order my life around my own healing, by any means necessary..... I became very conscious of how the world intrudes upon our healing, and made a firm determination to never let the world interfere with my healing, and never to interfere with any one else's healing. I have struggled for the last few years to find a healing path. And this summer in New Orleans, I see clearly for the first time the progress that I have made on that path. In lots of ways, I feel more love in my life than ever before. But I don't know what to do with it. I don't know where to put it. I see all the people around me hungry for love, and hungry to share love with others....and I see how we all get in each other's way... our love wants to find a resting place, but none of us know where to put it. And so it becomes a game of musical chairs....

"In the beloved society, everyone can be great because everyone can serve"

For me, the only possible way to overcome this turmoil and lonliness and craving in my heart is through the belief in a peace movement... a movement based on inclusivity and tolerance... a place where people can bring all their displaced love, and be embraced, because it is understood that they came to serve; to give. In order to build a peace movement, you must first build the foundation for a movement. And so I have turned my attention to foundation building; in the world, and in my own life. Martin Luthar King asked the question "What do you want the blueprint of your life to be?" I am 33 years old and it feels like I've barely begun the process of building my life, because I have never had solid ground to build on. I yearn for the emergence of a new, holistic modern-day peace movement, so that I will finally have solid ground beneath my feet, and so that I'll finally be able to move forward of the business of building a life for myself.

Thich Nhat Hanh repeatedly talks about the importance of a "Sangha", which in Buddhism is a community of practice. He says, "take refuge in the sangha." There is a great deal of work that you can do on your own, but you will run into limitations really quickly, unless you have a community of like minded people to practice with. There is only so much one can learn about peace in isolation, because the real work of peace takes place in the context of relationships; in the context of community. This is what my life has always lacked. My healing has been a very private matter for me, because until recently, I have had very few people in my life to share it with. And so I became really isolated and withdrawn, and very alienated from the world around me, and only now, in recent days, do I feel myself starting to emerge from that isolation. I feel lovesick these days. I feel like there is some major heartbreak that's going to happen soon in my life, and I am trying to prepare for it. I know it's going to hurt like hell. But I also know that it is necessary...that heartbreak is necessary from time to time.

In my mind, I am determined to spend the rest of today working for peace, and working for healing. and this determination is the one thing keeping the heartache at bay. I feel a vauge sense of worry and dread and futility, but also, I know that as long as I'm determined to give the best of myself today, than I will have peace of mind.

Tonite at 6:00 is the monthly potluck for the new New Orleans Food Coop buying club. Last month I tried to organize a bike ride there starting at the Iron Rail, and I have been trying to promote the idea of having a bike-cart powered delivery route and food distribution network. They like my ideas, but they are not going to take me seriously unless I can show them I am serious. So I am going to spend the rest of the day fixing up a bike for myself and trying to get some friends to organize a bike-cart parade there with me. Also, my friend Amber is in town from California for one more day, with a bunch of musician friends from San Fransisco. She has been one of the biggest supporters of my music freeskool project, and so I wanted to organize an accordion circle tonite. I have a piano classroom at the Iron Rail now...I tried to organize a music gathering there yesterday, but it was too chaotic and my heart was too distressed.
I am a fucking basketcase these days. Writing in here today has helped a little bit. Now I feel a renewed determination to face the rest of the day with an open heart, no matter how much it fucking hurts.

[Salik]

Thanks Tim,
Since we are all one, my heart feels a little more open as well........
Peace & love to you

[Alana Lea]

Tim,

We are Sangha here, even if we never lay eyes on one another. Every single one of us is a pebble in that foundation of the peace movement that moves us.

Sometimes our hearts absolutely must be cracked open, as yours is, so that Love is exposed and leaking out until it pours without the possibility of it ever being denied again. Sufis have lots of poems and songs and stories about this... I don't know enough of Buddhist teachings, but undoubtedly it's there too... will watch your videos soon.

I need to go momentarily, so can't take the time to write as long and heartfully as you just did. But I wanted you to know that every word sunk in, you are heard, and seen, and felt across the continent. Just last night I sat up late with my stepson who is close to your age, talking about New Orleans....

Maybe some people there are still processing so much grief and fear, that it's blocking receiving the unrestricted flow of the Love you are feeling...

Maybe getting on that bike and starting the service (amazing idea) will be the remedy for this heart's ache...

Maybe those deliveries will be an even bigger gift to you, than to the people you deliver to...

You're not alone.

Watch the video of The Shift (see image and link on front page) and you'll be reminded. Keep writing, we're listening, even the people who will read all of these words and not know what to say in response.

Hearts are open and they know no boundaries.

You are not alone.
And...
We are all alone.

Isn't that amazing?

"May all beings be well,
May all beings be happy.
Peace. Peace. Peace."